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sometimes i wonder if this feeling that looms over me every day is something everyone experiences. a sort of dissatisfaction or feeling of unfulfillment. but i don't understand what i'm dissatisfied with. is it me? is it how i look? is it how i act? is it how i interact with others? i still haven't been able to pinpoint it. but i know it drags me down with the weight of its uncertainty and makes me feel like im that same four year old girl who hid in the pool locker room because she was too scared to come out and face the water.

i wasn't scared of getting wet. i was scared of plunging in and being at the mercy of what was lurking under the surface. i was scared of losing all control, and thrashing helplessly in the water as i sank. why couldn't i float like everyone else? why did i dread the pool when everyone else found it so fun?

it all boils down to control. you can't fight the things that are. you can't change something's state of being just because you're uncomfortable or unprepared. you have to learn to adapt. you have to let go. you have to stop fighting the water and instead become one with it. i know all of these things, yet i cling so desperately to things that are no longer mine to hold.

why do people keep doing things that hurt them, or doing things that they know won't have a positive outcome? because they're used to the chaos that their actions create. they like struggling in the water, because then someone will come to save them. i think i keep waiting for someone or something to come along and fix all of my problems, when that isn't possible. no one can save me but myself. but the water's rising and i never learned how to swim.